I started this blog because I realized I was forgetting the stories, the moments I had on this incredible trip I went on in January to Israel.
It’s funny, because some of the things I picked up there, like the calm I felt and the sense of completion, they haven’t gone away, at least not fully. Work hasn’t stressed me out the way it did before the trip. I mean sure I’m still sleep deprived and I still complain and there are still days I’m busier and work longer hours than I’d like, but it just doesn’t affect me in the same way.
About a week ago, I was getting really upset about this work project- something that was outside my control and wasn’t going my way and I realized I was upset. It was this strange conscious thought of, wait, this is affecting you, it’s affecting you as an individual. And it was weird that in that moment of upset, of heightened irrationality, that was the thought I had. Naturally the second I realized that, as soon as I acknowledged that thought, I let out a sigh and relaxed.
There are things that have changed since I returned from Israel. I think the way I view the world was, I hope, permanently altered by that trip and that hasn’t changed; but a lot of the little moments, those gems, they’ve begun to slip. I wish I’d written more when I’d first returned, because I could sit down and look through pictures and try to remember more now, but it would be the filtered partial memories.
If I wrote about Israel, about my incredible ten days, now, it would be the press release version, not raw, not as real, not as heartfelt. It would be the cleaned up version, not the version that I told after I got back, not the version that I cried with my father about on the way home from the airport.
I’ve decided to try to write more because I want there to be some record, maybe to share with a few people, maybe just for me of what I’m thinking, of what I’m feeling, something raw, something real, something written in those moments where I’m slightly (or more than slightly) overwhelmed by it all, in those moments before I’ve fully processed it and compartmentalized it, before I feel like the stories are old and maybe not as important or interesting as I once thought they were.